Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize