This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
