dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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