Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
