BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
