My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
