Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
