Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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