There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
