I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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