Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
