There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
whose parrot is this?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
