I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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