Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize