She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize