do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My vagina is officially offended.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
