Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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