wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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