so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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