I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
