I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
