I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
