Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
