all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
