Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
