omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
