she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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