I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize