Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
