I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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