I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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