apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
