I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
