doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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