is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
