It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
