I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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