By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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