Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
