dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
