meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
