god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
