This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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