I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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