We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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