Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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