Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
