The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
