i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
