it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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