when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
