Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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