FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
His nipple licking is glorious
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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