if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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