my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
