I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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