Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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