You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
sarcasm needs its own font
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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