you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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