She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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