I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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