my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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