Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
