he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
