I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
