I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
