So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
