I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
