her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Found the puke drawer
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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