after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
